Finding a job again

Covid times killed it all, right?

Well, I can't blame all thats going on in my life on covid... honestly it didn't really effect my life much at all except for giving me more time and anxiety to drink. But the one thing it really effected was my job.

I had a great job, I hated it, but it was a good job that paid well. As soon as Covid hit, myself as well as most of the company went on temporary layoff, the beginning of having nothing, no real work. Long story short, I went about a year and a half only doing small little assignments here or there. I was applying for other jobs during this time, also freelance stuff, because I didn't want to go back, I wanted a new job and a new start. But there was nothing but Covid.

I'm a designer, a creative...no one needed this type of work during a plague. 

As time went on and the world was saying, "Fuck all this, let's get back to normal," I still was not hired back to my current job nor getting any steady work from it. So I kept sending out applications and resumes to current job openings, but absolutely nothing. Am I too old? Is my work outdated? Or do I just suck at what I do? Still nothing.

Fast forward to about January of this year, I'm starting to again become an anxious, drunk, sloppy mess after getting my shit together a few times. So I pull it back together. My current employer now seems to be getting back on track. Work is slowly trickling in, people are now back in the studio working full time, and the big news is the company has been bought out by a giant worldwide creative group based out of England... Great, Right? Not so. They came in, took over, set their demanded rules, and now have a foothold in North America. I work in the Detroit office of the company and it was an employee mass exodus. All employees left except myself and 3 other people. My boss was fired and the physical Detroit studio shut down. Meanwhile, I'm drinking like a fish, not eating, and ended up back in the hospital and then rehab shortly after.

I ghosted.

Fast forward, forward... I have ghosted from this job. I'm in limbo with them. They are not reaching out probably because of medical reasons, and I have not reached back. This job was a huge stress in my life to begin with and certainly didn't help my drinking; and now everyone I worked with is gone, the office is gone, and the firm who controls it is across the Atlantic ocean.

This is a new start. A new me. Not drinking but still fighting not too, still with anxiety, still with a shit ton of problems, but needing to start fresh. My goal is to work for myself, I will one day soon but I need the starting capital for equipment and software.

Until then, I am continually searching for a current, awesome, and creative job. Don't get me wrong, a job is a job, there is always stress and problems, but my current situation is a toxic mess! So new start.

Of the billions of applications I have put out there with no luck, Ford Motor Company is one I have sent into a bunch of times for a bunch of creative positions, and always get a "sorry, no thanks" right off the bat. I was told a few times by a few different people that I would not even be considered without a degree, even with my years of experience. So, found this one today and figured I would give myself one last shot at Ford Motor Co. Please see my cover letter above.

Wish me luck!

If your interested, my portfolio: https://dougdutton.carbonmade.com/

Rehab is like summer camp, right?

Just returned from substance abuse rehabilitation a few weeks ago, it was a trip. I was sober for about 2 weeks before I went and a little unsure about going, but the family wanted it and I felt I should go.

I'm not gonna name the place I went, but the pictures online and their website (above examples) make it look like a restful resort... I will relax and focus on getting clean. Felt like i wanted it to be a bit more gritty, this seemed a bit to upscale for me. But what do I know, I've never been to rehab before.

I was dwelling on leaving and my brother kept saying, "Don't worry, it will be like summer camp." Man was he wrong! I got my wish, gritty was a fucking understatement! It was like going to prison. Now, I'm no hard core dude who's out busting the law and been in jail a bunch of times, but no pussy either. I'm your basic middle aged laid back and shoot the shit, mind your own business kind of drinker.

Man, this was the full experience! First, a 24 hour detox lockdown with strip search, along with various people slamming booze and shooting up on their way in, a lot of falling over, laying on the floor and projectile vomiting. Most people in this condition stayed longer than 24 hours obviously. For me, after 24 hours I was sent to the Men's north campus. My phone, wallet, all my snacks from the dollar store, even my wash cloth was taken and kept by the staff. No store for a week, no phone calls for 8 days and a room with no TV, but two room mates with beds on either side of mine both snoring all night. I didn't sleep for a week. Of about 94 guys, pretty much everyone there had been in prison, living on the streets, or going to a sober living home after rehab. Also, you had to watch all your stuff so it would not get stolen...

OK, after writing this I do kinda sound like a pussy, I felt like a homesick little kid! But have to say it's an experience I won't forget. I did learn a lot about myself and my triggers, had my first intro into AA, got to meet a lot of really cool and genuine people, and came further into understanding my sobriety.

I was only there 2 weeks. Would I do it again? No, I would opt for the intensive out patient rehab if I unfortunately relapsed again, that's just me. But I was told by a few people I met there that this is one of the better Rehabs compared to some of the other ones they had been to. And, personally experienced how this program has helped out a whole lot of people become and stay sober. So there is good!

First Post, Why?

For as long as I can remember (over 30 years), I drank alcohol every day. Beer being my biggest drink of choice. Most of that time I was a functioning drinker... go to work, do what I needed to do for the day, then come home in the evening and put down 6 or 8 beers and relax.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, so this was my way of letting go and feeling ok for the night.
This was the way I was for years, and to me, it worked. But the last few years I started to slowly snowball out of control... Covid, no work, weird work when I had some, awkward video meetings, family, dealing with a Mom who started the beginnings of dementia, my anxiety was out of control. I was now drinking during the day, before meetings, and numbing myself as much as possible. I was drinking more and much stronger beer, IPA's, and putting them down like water. Then I stopped eating, just drinking.
In the last year and a half I have been hospitalized 3 times, the first time for internal bleeding, all from drinking and not eating. As I write this I have been in rehab, and have been sober for 54 days.
I pray to stay sober, I'm not used to it, I feel upside down, but I need to. I'm hoping that writing what is on my mind will help me through it. And maybe someone else?