Personal sacred places, spaces, and things

I have always kept items and things that bring me any form of joy, peace, strength, hope, reflection or memories. I think maybe in a way we all do this, kinda like a little kid putting all his favorite stickers on his bed headboard; looking at all of them together brings on a certain emotional happiness. Lately in my life this has become a stronger obsession for me, it's like i'm bonding more with certain specific items and images and spaces. Colors and patterns now have personalities and emotions to them I've never felt before, things that are colorful and sparkle grab my attention, as if I am turning into a crow or something? Random environmental spaces allure me with their unique lighting and feeling. I'm finding myself highly grateful to little things like my pocket knife for it's daily useful purpose.
Why? I don't know. Did drinking for years dull my emotions and feelings? Probably... or is the collective consciousness transitioning into 5D as they are telling us? Probably as well. Who knows, I'm just getting weirder, and that's ok, it feels good and I don't give a shit. Currently, I am turning my bedroom slowly into my personal sacred space filled with things, images, colors, and moods that I resonate highly with. A personal museum to my inner peace, stickers on the headboard included.

Find your inner peace...

Easter 2024 - Peace

May this Easter Day bring you much peace, joy, & love!

Dreams are fucked up

I don't normally take naps, I don't like too. But just recently I started working a bit of some more physical work to offset all the time I spend behind the computer; a bit of Yin & Yang for the mind and body is my thinking. I'm way outta shape and I come home beat & dead tired. Today I got home and couldn't keep my eyes open, then crashed for about 2 hrs or so. Lately I have had the most fucked up dreams, and today was one of them. So intense and detailed you cannot tell if it's reality or not. I haven't had any alcohol in over 4 months so dreams are hitting hard core compared to basically passing out then just waking up oblivious to my sleep. I was so emotionally hit by this dream that I immediately wrote/sketched down all the details I could remember before I would forget (above, forgive my shitty spelling). I'm not gonna get into this dream itself, there was no ending build up or climatic punch. It was more of the intense detail and extreme emotions I felt during the dream; it fucks you up in the sense of what is real life or "reality". Of course, this is a common and timeless philosophical question, right? But one that is asked strongest right after the experience. I'm into all the spiritual, esoteric, ancient knowledge, hermetic principles, religious cultures and so on, a student always studying and reading everything I can wrap my head around. And, if we are not our body and are basically energy, all part of the collective conscience, a fragment of the all, or God; then what we dream is as "real" as when we are awake. When asleep, are we at certain points able to produce certain chemicals or emotions allowing us to experience or visit different realities or dimensions of our existence? Getting guidence to change or alter a life event? Or viewing our life as living on a different choice of the universe? Is what we call our waking life in the so called "here", just a dream to us somewhere else? Whatever the case, I think our dreams are just as real to our purpose of existence as our "awake" thinking and emotions. This is why we feel so emotionally confused when we wake up and try to make sense of them.

Art(ing) again

Drinking, rehab, hospitals. These things don't leave me much time or mindset to be creative or do what I want to do. I love to sketch, draw, paint, and make art of some kind. I've been outta my creative world for a while now, but the last few weeks I have jumped back into my creativity with a plague of passion. Soul on fire! Been taking a bunch of sketches and digital art I did while not drinking heavy and updating my artsy social media sites, which I never put the effort or passion into that I should have. Making myself really push and promote my work on a daily basis, as well as creating and being creative as often as possible.

I even opened a Redbubble shop where I can put my art and designs on t-shirts and other cool products and sell them. Been wanting to do this for a while and I finally have a few designs up and running. If you want to check out my shop you can view it here.

I'm not gonna win any awards for blog post titles but, I wanted to use the word "Arting". Wasn't sure if that was a word, doesn't matter I would have used it anyway, but I found a definition that said - verb /ɑː(r)ting/ 1. 'the action or skill of using art to become more powerful'

Wow, That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

Summer 23'

I know Christmas is around the corner, but I already miss summer. Late summer & early fall in Michigan is the absolute shit. Warm, sunny, dry; flowers and plants still in bloom, but the leaves are turning colors and starting to fall. These are some photos I took one day late last August while walking through a local park. I felt very at peace that day, contemplative, ok with everything & myself. While taking my time, just randomly walking some small bridges in the park & over an adjacent pond, I remember thinking how content I felt and wished I felt this way all the time. (I think this is subconsciously my goal- to make more days in my life as conscience and alive as this day was.) Plus, the only thing I was drinking at the time was a vanilla malt I bought at a nearby Dairy Queen along the way.    

Another powerful reason.

Mid-September was my last drinking binder. I remember lying on the floor, just wearing shorts. Sweaty, dirty, smelly. I cocooned & drank for what seemed like a month; hadn't eaten for over a week, and thought I was dying. Part of me wanted to die, how could I let myself get to this state? I would talk to God, and myself, about all the reasons that I couldn't die. And thanking God for all the times He has already saved me and all that He has given me. But the biggest reason I couldn't die was my daughter, my first born; was going to have her first child, a little girl. That would make me a grandpa for the first time. I kept telling myself, "I can't go out, I have to be here for her, I have to be part of her life!" I kept clutching my Granddaughter's ultrasound photo, telling her that I will get back to my state of mind and I will be there for her. But, at that point, I needed a miracle.

A few days later there was a knock at my door, it was my Mom and my two brothers. They knew something was wrong and came to take me to the hospital, a miracle. I didn't think I was gonna last in that state much longer.

God was with me, again! God did not give up on me!

After the hospital, and then rehab, I was better and back home. And lucky enough to be back in time to be at the hospital when my Daughter gave birth to my Granddaughter. No words can describe the feelings I felt when I first saw her and touched her; it's like being in another dimension. She radiated so much light and love and new life, she is part of me. And I am coming back from the dead.

"Thank you for all you have given me, thank you for the gift of my little Peanut."    

Ghosts

In 2 more days it will be 2 months since my last drink. Days are much kinder to me then the nights. I feel like I'm doing pretty good but the evenings into the nights are when my ghosts come around and start to flirt with my mind. I start to taste that ice cold beer, the beer that has been my lover for years. Now she's gone.

Well, hello third Mountain Dew and ice cream pint... What? You can't sleep?

All we have is now.

I am always trying to live in the moment... right here, right now. Very hard. 

Thoughts

We have around 60,000 thoughts a day. But the ones that make you truly think, are the only ones that matter.

...I Think.

Finding a job again

Covid times killed it all, right?

Well, I can't blame all thats going on in my life on covid... honestly it didn't really effect my life much at all except for giving me more time and anxiety to drink. But the one thing it really effected was my job.

I had a great job, I hated it, but it was a good job that paid well. As soon as Covid hit, myself as well as most of the company went on temporary layoff, the beginning of having nothing, no real work. Long story short, I went about a year and a half only doing small little assignments here or there. I was applying for other jobs during this time, also freelance stuff, because I didn't want to go back, I wanted a new job and a new start. But there was nothing but Covid.

I'm a designer, a creative...no one needed this type of work during a plague. 

As time went on and the world was saying, "Fuck all this, let's get back to normal," I still was not hired back to my current job nor getting any steady work from it. So I kept sending out applications and resumes to current job openings, but absolutely nothing. Am I too old? Is my work outdated? Or do I just suck at what I do? Still nothing.

Fast forward to about January of this year, I'm starting to again become an anxious, drunk, sloppy mess after getting my shit together a few times. So I pull it back together. My current employer now seems to be getting back on track. Work is slowly trickling in, people are now back in the studio working full time, and the big news is the company has been bought out by a giant worldwide creative group based out of England... Great, Right? Not so. They came in, took over, set their demanded rules, and now have a foothold in North America. I work in the Detroit office of the company and it was an employee mass exodus. All employees left except myself and 3 other people. My boss was fired and the physical Detroit studio shut down. Meanwhile, I'm drinking like a fish, not eating, and ended up back in the hospital and then rehab shortly after.

I ghosted.

Fast forward, forward... I have ghosted from this job. I'm in limbo with them. They are not reaching out probably because of medical reasons, and I have not reached back. This job was a huge stress in my life to begin with and certainly didn't help my drinking; and now everyone I worked with is gone, the office is gone, and the firm who controls it is across the Atlantic ocean.

This is a new start. A new me. Not drinking but still fighting not too, still with anxiety, still with a shit ton of problems, but needing to start fresh. My goal is to work for myself, I will one day soon but I need the starting capital for equipment and software.

Until then, I am continually searching for a current, awesome, and creative job. Don't get me wrong, a job is a job, there is always stress and problems, but my current situation is a toxic mess! So new start.

Of the billions of applications I have put out there with no luck, Ford Motor Company is one I have sent into a bunch of times for a bunch of creative positions, and always get a "sorry, no thanks" right off the bat. I was told a few times by a few different people that I would not even be considered without a degree, even with my years of experience. So, found this one today and figured I would give myself one last shot at Ford Motor Co. Please see my cover letter above.

Wish me luck!

If your interested, my portfolio: https://dougdutton.carbonmade.com/

Rehab is like summer camp, right?

Just returned from substance abuse rehabilitation a few weeks ago, it was a trip. I was sober for about 2 weeks before I went and a little unsure about going, but the family wanted it and I felt I should go.

I'm not gonna name the place I went, but the pictures online and their website (above examples) make it look like a restful resort... I will relax and focus on getting clean. Felt like i wanted it to be a bit more gritty, this seemed a bit to upscale for me. But what do I know, I've never been to rehab before.

I was dwelling on leaving and my brother kept saying, "Don't worry, it will be like summer camp." Man was he wrong! I got my wish, gritty was a fucking understatement! It was like going to prison. Now, I'm no hard core dude who's out busting the law and been in jail a bunch of times, but no pussy either. I'm your basic middle aged laid back and shoot the shit, mind your own business kind of drinker.

Man, this was the full experience! First, a 24 hour detox lockdown with strip search, along with various people slamming booze and shooting up on their way in, a lot of falling over, laying on the floor and projectile vomiting. Most people in this condition stayed longer than 24 hours obviously. For me, after 24 hours I was sent to the Men's north campus. My phone, wallet, all my snacks from the dollar store, even my wash cloth was taken and kept by the staff. No store for a week, no phone calls for 8 days and a room with no TV, but two room mates with beds on either side of mine both snoring all night. I didn't sleep for a week. Of about 94 guys, pretty much everyone there had been in prison, living on the streets, or going to a sober living home after rehab. Also, you had to watch all your stuff so it would not get stolen...

OK, after writing this I do kinda sound like a pussy, I felt like a homesick little kid! But have to say it's an experience I won't forget. I did learn a lot about myself and my triggers, had my first intro into AA, got to meet a lot of really cool and genuine people, and came further into understanding my sobriety.

I was only there 2 weeks. Would I do it again? No, I would opt for the intensive out patient rehab if I unfortunately relapsed again, that's just me. But I was told by a few people I met there that this is one of the better Rehabs compared to some of the other ones they had been to. And, personally experienced how this program has helped out a whole lot of people become and stay sober. So there is good!

First Post, Why?

For as long as I can remember (over 30 years), I drank alcohol every day. Beer being my biggest drink of choice. Most of that time I was a functioning drinker... go to work, do what I needed to do for the day, then come home in the evening and put down 6 or 8 beers and relax.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, so this was my way of letting go and feeling ok for the night.
This was the way I was for years, and to me, it worked. But the last few years I started to slowly snowball out of control... Covid, no work, weird work when I had some, awkward video meetings, family, dealing with a Mom who started the beginnings of dementia, my anxiety was out of control. I was now drinking during the day, before meetings, and numbing myself as much as possible. I was drinking more and much stronger beer, IPA's, and putting them down like water. Then I stopped eating, just drinking.
In the last year and a half I have been hospitalized 3 times, the first time for internal bleeding, all from drinking and not eating. As I write this I have been in rehab, and have been sober for 54 days.
I pray to stay sober, I'm not used to it, I feel upside down, but I need to. I'm hoping that writing what is on my mind will help me through it. And maybe someone else?