Showing posts with label Hospital. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hospital. Show all posts

Friday, November 24, 2023

Another powerful reason.

Mid-September was my last drinking binder. I remember lying on the floor, just wearing shorts. Sweaty, dirty, smelly. I cocooned & drank for what seemed like a month; hadn't eaten for over a week, and thought I was dying. Part of me wanted to die, how could I let myself get to this state? I would talk to God, and myself, about all the reasons that I couldn't die. And thanking God for all the times He has already saved me and all that He has given me. But the biggest reason I couldn't die was my daughter, my first born; was going to have her first child, a little girl. That would make me a grandpa for the first time. I kept telling myself, "I can't go out, I have to be here for her, I have to be part of her life!" I kept clutching my Granddaughter's ultrasound photo, telling her that I will get back to my state of mind and I will be there for her. But, at that point, I needed a miracle.

A few days later there was a knock at my door, it was my Mom and my two brothers. They knew something was wrong and came to take me to the hospital, a miracle. I didn't think I was gonna last in that state much longer.

God was with me, again! God did not give up on me!

After the hospital, and then rehab, I was better and back home. And lucky enough to be back in time to be at the hospital when my Daughter gave birth to my Granddaughter. No words can describe the feelings I felt when I first saw her and touched her; it's like being in another dimension. She radiated so much light and love and new life, she is part of me. And I am coming back from the dead.

"Thank you for all you have given me, thank you for the gift of my little Peanut."    

Saturday, November 11, 2023

Finding a job again

Covid times killed it all, right?

Well, I can't blame all thats going on in my life on covid... honestly it didn't really effect my life much at all except for giving me more time and anxiety to drink. But the one thing it really effected was my job.

I had a great job, I hated it, but it was a good job that paid well. As soon as Covid hit, myself as well as most of the company went on temporary layoff, the beginning of having nothing, no real work. Long story short, I went about a year and a half only doing small little assignments here or there. I was applying for other jobs during this time, also freelance stuff, because I didn't want to go back, I wanted a new job and a new start. But there was nothing but Covid.

I'm a designer, a creative...no one needed this type of work during a plague. 

As time went on and the world was saying, "Fuck all this, let's get back to normal," I still was not hired back to my current job nor getting any steady work from it. So I kept sending out applications and resumes to current job openings, but absolutely nothing. Am I too old? Is my work outdated? Or do I just suck at what I do? Still nothing.

Fast forward to about January of this year, I'm starting to again become an anxious, drunk, sloppy mess after getting my shit together a few times. So I pull it back together. My current employer now seems to be getting back on track. Work is slowly trickling in, people are now back in the studio working full time, and the big news is the company has been bought out by a giant worldwide creative group based out of England... Great, Right? Not so. They came in, took over, set their demanded rules, and now have a foothold in North America. I work in the Detroit office of the company and it was an employee mass exodus. All employees left except myself and 3 other people. My boss was fired and the physical Detroit studio shut down. Meanwhile, I'm drinking like a fish, not eating, and ended up back in the hospital and then rehab shortly after.

I ghosted.

Fast forward, forward... I have ghosted from this job. I'm in limbo with them. They are not reaching out probably because of medical reasons, and I have not reached back. This job was a huge stress in my life to begin with and certainly didn't help my drinking; and now everyone I worked with is gone, the office is gone, and the firm who controls it is across the Atlantic ocean.

This is a new start. A new me. Not drinking but still fighting not too, still with anxiety, still with a shit ton of problems, but needing to start fresh. My goal is to work for myself, I will one day soon but I need the starting capital for equipment and software.

Until then, I am continually searching for a current, awesome, and creative job. Don't get me wrong, a job is a job, there is always stress and problems, but my current situation is a toxic mess! So new start.

Of the billions of applications I have put out there with no luck, Ford Motor Company is one I have sent into a bunch of times for a bunch of creative positions, and always get a "sorry, no thanks" right off the bat. I was told a few times by a few different people that I would not even be considered without a degree, even with my years of experience. So, found this one today and figured I would give myself one last shot at Ford Motor Co. Please see my cover letter above.

Wish me luck!

If your interested, my portfolio: https://dougdutton.carbonmade.com/

Thursday, November 9, 2023

First Post, Why?

For as long as I can remember (over 30 years), I drank alcohol every day. Beer being my biggest drink of choice. Most of that time I was a functioning drinker... go to work, do what I needed to do for the day, then come home in the evening and put down 6 or 8 beers and relax.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, so this was my way of letting go and feeling ok for the night.
This was the way I was for years, and to me, it worked. But the last few years I started to slowly snowball out of control... Covid, no work, weird work when I had some, awkward video meetings, family, dealing with a Mom who started the beginnings of dementia, my anxiety was out of control. I was now drinking during the day, before meetings, and numbing myself as much as possible. I was drinking more and much stronger beer, IPA's, and putting them down like water. Then I stopped eating, just drinking.
In the last year and a half I have been hospitalized 3 times, the first time for internal bleeding, all from drinking and not eating. As I write this I have been in rehab, and have been sober for 54 days.
I pray to stay sober, I'm not used to it, I feel upside down, but I need to. I'm hoping that writing what is on my mind will help me through it. And maybe someone else?