Goodbye 2024

December 17, 2024. I can’t just do anything anymore. I just think. Instead of jumping in my car, buckling up, and driving away; I mentally and emotionally swim back and fourth in my skull, while my task at hand drowns.

The droning sound of the heater fan, and my driver seat slowly heating up, keep me in a calm physical sedation among all this thinking. Did I do something to piss off God? Why is basically everything in my life going to shit right now? Family, friends, job, work, money, health… Sanity?

Each topic takes a turn reminding me of its need to be addressed, and questions what I will do to fix each situation. I can’t fix anything. I just put bandages on things, hope they will hold for a bit, and celebrate the arrival of yet another problem.

Suddenly, for a split second, all thought stopped. I catch myself staring out the passenger side window, and I take a broken, slow breath. Leaves still on the ground, no snow, the color of the sky just before dark, the abstract shapes of the trees, the hopes and wishes of the Christmas lights; all juxtaposed against the power lines and street lights of my warm and familiar lowbrow middle America neighborhood. I can’t explain it, in this moment, this little voice in my head said, “everything is gonna be ok.” But I never heard a word, Just my whole being felt it. I put the car in reverse and drove off.

Goodbye 2024.